fill up your dreams

“fill ‘em up,” said she

Ran a little faster, did she

yeah…just a little

She ran down midnight

stiletto’d

She ran it down

under a black and blue lit sky.

Stood on it like the Statue of Liberty on the Hudson.

Made a few wonder on the way,

fly it down

she ran and made a few people wonder.

Leather floors and candle skies

She made ‘em wonder

yeah…just a little.

my mind told me it was inferiority

my heart said it was fear

You turned the stone under a grey veil

to crimson silk beneath my flesh

I want to see those eyes again.

my body pulses in your words

and I can’t find where I’m going.

If I look into your eyes again,

will you guide me through this?

Or shall I become lost and never find my way,

and what I was trying to say.

Still

I want to see those eyes again

This mouth has no desire to speak,

only to feel your lips act in the words

that will not surface

I give my soul

and with it,

my inhibitions.

Let me drink this passion like wine.

Let me feel it drip down my chin, down my neck.

Let me feel it pour down my back

And still…

your eyes.

Tell me not to be afraid

My fear should only be a memory

I will not hide the blood that rushes to my face,

and on through my fingertips.

I will not cover this raging fire

as I am looking up

they’re beautiful,

so beautiful.

I couldn’t look you in the eyes

my mind told me it was inferiority.

but it was fear.

you turned the stone under a grey veil,

to crimson silk beneath my flesh.

and now I know why.

send me dizzy

make me bold and subtle

let this pen sing tonight,

sing for those who need it

sing for those who want it

sing for those who’ve already got it

cause there’s never gonna be enough

take me in style

let me lean on the smoke

wrap up in the fog

let the only offering in your hand

be that of an open palm

starts above me flow like water

the air speaks

brimming with the ecstasy of living

my head is filled with the sound

the sound that is Indian silk

a New York street,

language

replete with intricacies not yet beheld

so, enter happy chaos

soul satisfying,

yes it is

turn the pages with awakened fingers,

eyes aglow like the warm embers of a new born fire

no reflection

it’s all inside,

happily trapped,

yet waiting to fly,

so fly…

fly within me and never stop

i happen to be in an odd frame of mind these days…and so…i shall put these 3 offerings out there. they were written on the same day, within about half an hour…i think in september of 2006. they’ve never been titled…so i’ll just keep them as First, Second, and Third. (i think Third is my favorite of the three…)

First

In the grander scheme of things

You should know you’re right

Because in the grander scheme of things

Today really matters least of all

I’ll take my suitcase and finally unpack

It’s been waiting patiently for me to

settle down,

and it’s not nearly full

But it’s the heart rending chore of unpacking yourself

To finally discover what you’ve got hidden away

In the grander scheme of things

You should know I’m right

Because in the grader scheme of things

today really matters least of all

Taking myself out a piece at a time

No closet to share

So I can now see it clearly

Out I will go and leave my suitcase behind

I’ll pick up new things

Beautiful things

Curiosities and creations

And come back to throw out the old

The ugly

The unnecessary

The grim

The sloppy

I’ll come home to myself

To repack for the one that’s got the space for it

In the grander scheme of things

we know we’re both right

Because in the grander scheme of things

today really matters least of all

It’s the moment that starts you

But the journey is what brings you home

Second

Wanting you so bad

I couldn’t see what I needed

Trying to rebuild a house that’s still ablaze

Trying to put it out with a teaspoon

one splash at a time

There was still the bigger fury

had I just let it go

could’ve already been building anew

but walking through the flames…

it was a path through something beautiful

the problem with not being afraid of the fire

is that the burns are inevitably gonna reach too far down

Not the skin grafting type

I’ve gotta heal on my own

just put the bandaids away

I appreciate the concern

I don’t need medication

I need fresh air and a better soul

from the inside out is where I’ll heal

a healthy scar will remain to add to the roadmap of my skin

Never start out with half a dwelling

and an addition isn’t gonna work for me

just get rid of the ashes

and dig down deep

I can’t change the place

because the foundation is too sound

gotta stop building apartments

no duplex for me

just a big room for my mind

to run free

to rest

to start every moment from the fresh

from the clean

Please come and visit

Whenever you feel inclined

Because the want is there,

but the need is stronger

I’ll be living here for a while

and later it will be my summer home

to run free

to rest

to start every moment from the fresh

from the clean

from the true

from the honest

from me.

Third

A chameleon’s greatest talent…

useless…

when there’s nothing to hide in

nothing to become

what if my color is transparent?

and I really have nothing unless it’s in front of someone else’s backdrop?

A new animal?

am I more than one?

my true color has made appearances,

but sometimes I don’t know exactly when

from the outside

they say they’ve seen my genuine hue

but it was with you…

So I leap from the tree

with no clue where to land

Give this lizard mind it’s wings

to hover in the atmosphere

put me in space

my color will become the sun

and I’ll have no shade at all

just a glow

just pure warmth

to keep the rest of me alive

and to share when I’ve had what I need

You need warmth for the winter

and I’ll have plenty to spare

just give me a lean in

I don’t ask for much in return

and you’ll feel me with you.

Some of us don’t have our own

and are meant for other things

I’m in the species of ambiguity

and why should it be bad?

I’ll have a purpose

useful in so many ways

unending energy is what God gave that star

renewing itself with every moment it gives

And that’s what I’ll pray to be given to me

Instead of the chameleon

I’m becoming something else

I’m happily undefined

similar to something you’ve seen

close to something you’ve felt

perhaps still something you want

it’ll always be something you need

be at peace with my strength

and when I start to fade…

just remind me…

just

remind

me.

knowing i have this blog has created an even more detailed catalog of the thoughts that occur…it causes me to dissect and analyze even FURTHER than i normally do – knowing it could be fuel for the launch of another vehicle of thought. writing a blog is much like sending unmanned probes through outer space…will it hit anything? will it make a difference? will anyone else know it’s there? and really…what counts, what matters in all of that is that it’s launched…that the possibility is there. we reach for discovery and prove our merit when we are brave enough to send something “out there” – whether the far reaches of space, or the tangled web of cyberspace. this tangled web is filled with so much thought, so much emotion. it is a dumping ground of angst and sorrow, and a glorious proving ground for love and truth. i have no idea how small this world will get. every day there are more ways to connect, and, thusly, more ways to make a point by disconnecting. from twitter to yahoo im…there’s always a way to make a statement. individuals end up being a piece of EVERYTHING you do. you carry them with you on your phone, they greet you when you sit down to your computer. and, when you want them out of your life – it almost becomes some kind of cutting ritual. your heart bleeds for those you cut out due to crushed friendships, loves, dreams, etc. it takes so much effort, and the effect lasts…for who knows how long. (obviously, my life and those lives surrounding me have been in the business of cutting relationships lately…thusly the musings…)

so, somehow i’ve gone from the idea of outer space and probes (i really don’t like that word…but satellite isn’t really accurate…*sigh*) to a very emotional look into the connections we form through an entire universe built on technology.

before we could “check up” on one another…did everyone have to trust one another more? did we have to make the time we spent together more meaningful? was there less “taking for granted”? was there more understanding? imagine only being able to talk to those you care about by phone, by letter, or in person..or…hell…let’s go back further – just letters and face-to-face. how would you treat others in your life? would you tell them more? would you tell them less? would you trust them more? i wonder if that world was based less on inference…on analyzing secret messages in statuses and twitters…on wondering what blog was about whom – and more on exactly what was said, and what actions they took.

was it truly a world of patience and trust?

i guess this is what i send out into cyberspace tonight…these musings, these questions, this mood of wondering at what we’ve become.

“And IF you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.”

“You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race – down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace, and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, i fear, toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place…”

- Oh The Places You’ll Go – by the illustrious Dr. Seuss

 So, yes…i find myself in a bit of a useless place. The mood of today started last night…despite the chaos of a kitchen on a saturday night – it still hit me…through the sound of the ticket machine, sizzling olive oil, “all-day” calls, and the constant clang of dishes being washed and thrown about like so much…whatever that should be compared to. i could not focus. i was elsewhere – adrift in the sea of possibilities, floating on a raft made of indecision, with the ghosts of my past for breeze. NOT a pleasant or scenic place.

i feel i know what i need to do for my health – my emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical health…but it is going to require a very. long. process. i am very very bad at this kind of process. once i have a path – i buy the shoes, pack the snacks, forget the map, and i’m off. this new path requires thought and deliberate action…it requires me to be extremely responsible with my time, my money, my self. the third thing is what usually presents most of the problems.

what set me on this path was a realization that i have been in “The Waiting Place” for quite some time…whether it be waiting due to relationships, friendships, family, obligations, etc… my decisions are usually made at a break-neck pace…but…the follow-through isn’t so quick. i live in the world of “just in case”. i am here “just in case” you change your mind. “just in case” you need me. “just in case” i need you. “just in case”….you find a just in case. deciding to stop this is a good thing…but, it’s going to require quite a lot of bravery. i have had to be brave before…and i can do it again…it also requires that i sacrifice quite a lot…and make sure i don’t keep anyone ELSE in the waiting place.

i am giving up on my current dream of owning my own restaurant…just for now.  it could actually be a reality in about a year…maybe two – if i ignored the nagging voice that gets louder by the day…hell…by the hour…that i am not strong enough yet – that i have not dealt with my past, that i have not given myself a chance to heal from many many things, that i have not just stood still…and listened.

i am accepting my limitations (this phrase was brought up by a dear friend of mine today…and he’s right…that is indeed what i’m doing). i am not accustom to dealing with that. i leap i fly i soar…and i have horrific crashes. if icarus had a sister….you’d be readin’ her blog right now. so…i am going to take a bit of a step back in order to leap forward again. there is so much thought provoked by this day…i cannot write it all at once…but, it’s a snapshot, at least…

if you take anything away from this – be careful of the waiting place, but, if you find yourself there – use the time to decide which train you’re taking out of that station. and…if you’re keeping someone else there – buy them a ticket.

so, i have begun. i welcome my spring with open arms and a glad heart. though there has been much that has happened to dampen my spirits, my inner nature eventually takes over and pushes me forward…or up…through the soil, dirt, and leaves that life tends to pile on us over time. i doubt i will go into much detail in this little blog (who needs that, right?), but, suffice to say i have undergone some trials having to do with love, friendship, and the loss of it. i am sure there will be musings on the subject, maybe a diatribe or two…haven’t quite decided. there have also been incredible gains…i have reconnected with fabulous old friends, made some spectacular new ones and my “sisterhood” is flourishing (something i once thought was unnecessary…yes…i was one of “those girls”).

that’s a short update…my life is quite busy in the culinary and restaurant world…but, within my new year (and through a short, but much needed vacation to chicago) i have found renewed energy…and….will hopefully be able to write more ramblings.

This morning i woke up to the first day of a new chapter. I have chosen this place to record the newest adventure (with a bit of encouragement from others). Of course, i would not be here if it weren’t for the previous chapter…or chapters. A short (read: but still ridiculously wordy) re-cap of what has brought me to this day is in order:

 (a message to those that are reading this who recognize themselves in this little story: whether your effect was positive or negative…thank you.)

 I came from the lackluster corporate world to the land of the creative agency. An opportunity dropped into my lap (the goddess of serendipity does seem to follow my life quite closely) by way of being “discovered” in a conversation (thank you.).

I walked in the door while being in a relationship that was serious enough to have me almost engaged, living in a perfect little “white picket fence” house in the county, seeking a new circle of friends (due to past events, such as divorce, most of mine were scattered), hungry for a challenge, in need of change – and i found a cause. I rallied to the company and what i perceived it wanted to be, what it wanted to accomplish. My allegiance obtained – i allowed it to take me over for a while.

During this time i was told that I was strong and honest, and weak and dishonest. I was told my personality was a beautiful thing and that my smile was addicting, and that I was difficult to be friends with and wasn’t worth the time. I was told my confidence was admirable, and that I was obviously unhappy with who I was. I discovered precious treasure in the form of new friends that sustained and nurtured me (and also sustain and nurture to this very moment, and i hope beyond.) - and actually trusted a few, for the first time, and I discovered landmines that blew me to bits when I trusted the wrong people and my issues were spilled on the floor for others to drag their muddy shoes through. I found a place called Logicland that became a shelter, a trusted hiding place. I uncovered the fact that I have been alone for most of my life, even through friendships and relationships, and realized that there were just a very small handful of people on the planet that I did not feel alone with. I was misunderstood and rallied around; I had contempt thrown at me and love showered down upon me.

The learning curve was immense, for I was rebuilding my life, my career, my soul…all in one place. You cannot show what you have to give when you are not whole, and I wanted to so desperately.

Visiting the non-abstract for a moment, I will mention that during this time I suffered a severe case of burnout, the relationship imploded, i moved into a new place alone – for the first time, and the company’s path diverged from my own (in professional terms), and I discovered my true passions.

I walked out the door alone, with a deliberate stride that told me it knew where it was going (though i was less than sure at the moment), knowing it was all worth it. I had learned enough for a mini-lifetime. The fact that the act of walking out the door came upon me suddenly made it more difficult than it would’ve been. But, in a way, perhaps it made it a little more honest, and a little less romanticised.

Yesterday was my last day…and here the re-cap ends.

Today I start out in pursuit of one of my dreams…and the new adventure begins.