“You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both elbow and chin? Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?
“And IF you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.”
“You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race – down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace, and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, i fear, toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place…”
- Oh The Places You’ll Go – by the illustrious Dr. Seuss
So, yes…i find myself in a bit of a useless place. The mood of today started last night…despite the chaos of a kitchen on a saturday night – it still hit me…through the sound of the ticket machine, sizzling olive oil, “all-day” calls, and the constant clang of dishes being washed and thrown about like so much…whatever that should be compared to. i could not focus. i was elsewhere – adrift in the sea of possibilities, floating on a raft made of indecision, with the ghosts of my past for breeze. NOT a pleasant or scenic place.
i feel i know what i need to do for my health – my emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical health…but it is going to require a very. long. process. i am very very bad at this kind of process. once i have a path – i buy the shoes, pack the snacks, forget the map, and i’m off. this new path requires thought and deliberate action…it requires me to be extremely responsible with my time, my money, my self. the third thing is what usually presents most of the problems.
what set me on this path was a realization that i have been in “The Waiting Place” for quite some time…whether it be waiting due to relationships, friendships, family, obligations, etc… my decisions are usually made at a break-neck pace…but…the follow-through isn’t so quick. i live in the world of “just in case”. i am here “just in case” you change your mind. “just in case” you need me. “just in case” i need you. “just in case”….you find a just in case. deciding to stop this is a good thing…but, it’s going to require quite a lot of bravery. i have had to be brave before…and i can do it again…it also requires that i sacrifice quite a lot…and make sure i don’t keep anyone ELSE in the waiting place.
i am giving up on my current dream of owning my own restaurant…just for now. it could actually be a reality in about a year…maybe two – if i ignored the nagging voice that gets louder by the day…hell…by the hour…that i am not strong enough yet – that i have not dealt with my past, that i have not given myself a chance to heal from many many things, that i have not just stood still…and listened.
i am accepting my limitations (this phrase was brought up by a dear friend of mine today…and he’s right…that is indeed what i’m doing). i am not accustom to dealing with that. i leap i fly i soar…and i have horrific crashes. if icarus had a sister….you’d be readin’ her blog right now. so…i am going to take a bit of a step back in order to leap forward again. there is so much thought provoked by this day…i cannot write it all at once…but, it’s a snapshot, at least…
if you take anything away from this – be careful of the waiting place, but, if you find yourself there – use the time to decide which train you’re taking out of that station. and…if you’re keeping someone else there – buy them a ticket.
