Went to sleep last night under the hypnosis of disorientation, confusion, anger, loneliness. In the midst of the place that dwells behind your dreams, the place that allows answers to surface while you deal with the surreality that is your subconscious (if you’re me…at least), i emerged victorious. Slightly bruised and broken – but victorious, nonetheless.
This morning i woke up to the first day of a new chapter. I have chosen this place to record the newest adventure (with a bit of encouragement from others). Of course, i would not be here if it weren’t for the previous chapter…or chapters. A short (read: but still ridiculously wordy) re-cap of what has brought me to this day is in order:
(a message to those that are reading this who recognize themselves in this little story: whether your effect was positive or negative…thank you.)
I came from the lackluster corporate world to the land of the creative agency. An opportunity dropped into my lap (the goddess of serendipity does seem to follow my life quite closely) by way of being “discovered” in a conversation (thank you.).
I walked in the door while being in a relationship that was serious enough to have me almost engaged, living in a perfect little “white picket fence” house in the county, seeking a new circle of friends (due to past events, such as divorce, most of mine were scattered), hungry for a challenge, in need of change – and i found a cause. I rallied to the company and what i perceived it wanted to be, what it wanted to accomplish. My allegiance obtained – i allowed it to take me over for a while.
During this time i was told that I was strong and honest, and weak and dishonest. I was told my personality was a beautiful thing and that my smile was addicting, and that I was difficult to be friends with and wasn’t worth the time. I was told my confidence was admirable, and that I was obviously unhappy with who I was. I discovered precious treasure in the form of new friends that sustained and nurtured me (and also sustain and nurture to this very moment, and i hope beyond.) - and actually trusted a few, for the first time, and I discovered landmines that blew me to bits when I trusted the wrong people and my issues were spilled on the floor for others to drag their muddy shoes through. I found a place called Logicland that became a shelter, a trusted hiding place. I uncovered the fact that I have been alone for most of my life, even through friendships and relationships, and realized that there were just a very small handful of people on the planet that I did not feel alone with. I was misunderstood and rallied around; I had contempt thrown at me and love showered down upon me.
The learning curve was immense, for I was rebuilding my life, my career, my soul…all in one place. You cannot show what you have to give when you are not whole, and I wanted to so desperately.
Visiting the non-abstract for a moment, I will mention that during this time I suffered a severe case of burnout, the relationship imploded, i moved into a new place alone – for the first time, and the company’s path diverged from my own (in professional terms), and I discovered my true passions.
I walked out the door alone, with a deliberate stride that told me it knew where it was going (though i was less than sure at the moment), knowing it was all worth it. I had learned enough for a mini-lifetime. The fact that the act of walking out the door came upon me suddenly made it more difficult than it would’ve been. But, in a way, perhaps it made it a little more honest, and a little less romanticised.
Yesterday was my last day…and here the re-cap ends.
Today I start out in pursuit of one of my dreams…and the new adventure begins.
