She said she could run it down
fill up your dreams
“fill ‘em up,” said she
Ran a little faster, did she
yeah…just a little
She ran down midnight
stiletto’d
She ran it down
under a black and blue lit sky.
Stood on it like the Statue of Liberty on the Hudson.
Made a few wonder on the way,
fly it down
she ran and made a few people wonder.
Leather floors and candle skies
She made ‘em wonder
yeah…just a little.
Filed under poetry and prose
I couldn’t look you in the eyes.
my mind told me it was inferiority
my heart said it was fear
You turned the stone under a grey veil
to crimson silk beneath my flesh
I want to see those eyes again.
my body pulses in your words
and I can’t find where I’m going.
If I look into your eyes again,
will you guide me through this?
Or shall I become lost and never find my way,
and what I was trying to say.
Still
I want to see those eyes again
This mouth has no desire to speak,
only to feel your lips act in the words
that will not surface
I give my soul
and with it,
my inhibitions.
Let me drink this passion like wine.
Let me feel it drip down my chin, down my neck.
Let me feel it pour down my back
And still…
your eyes.
Tell me not to be afraid
My fear should only be a memory
I will not hide the blood that rushes to my face,
and on through my fingertips.
I will not cover this raging fire
as I am looking up
they’re beautiful,
so beautiful.
I couldn’t look you in the eyes
my mind told me it was inferiority.
but it was fear.
you turned the stone under a grey veil,
to crimson silk beneath my flesh.
and now I know why.
Filed under poetry and prose
smear me with blue notes
send me dizzy
make me bold and subtle
let this pen sing tonight,
sing for those who need it
sing for those who want it
sing for those who’ve already got it
cause there’s never gonna be enough
take me in style
let me lean on the smoke
wrap up in the fog
let the only offering in your hand
be that of an open palm
starts above me flow like water
the air speaks
brimming with the ecstasy of living
my head is filled with the sound
the sound that is Indian silk
a New York street,
language
replete with intricacies not yet beheld
so, enter happy chaos
soul satisfying,
yes it is
turn the pages with awakened fingers,
eyes aglow like the warm embers of a new born fire
no reflection
it’s all inside,
happily trapped,
yet waiting to fly,
so fly…
fly within me and never stop
Filed under poetry and prose
i rarely show my poetry and prose to anyone…if you are one of those i’ve shown it to that are reading this…you know this to be true. i think i can count you on one hand. so, this is a big step for me. not sure why i have the desire to leap from keeping it so very private to just flinging it out there for the world to see. (although…not…like…this…blog…is…really….umm….read by millions or anything….)
i happen to be in an odd frame of mind these days…and so…i shall put these 3 offerings out there. they were written on the same day, within about half an hour…i think in september of 2006. they’ve never been titled…so i’ll just keep them as First, Second, and Third. (i think Third is my favorite of the three…)
First
In the grander scheme of things
You should know you’re right
Because in the grander scheme of things
Today really matters least of all
I’ll take my suitcase and finally unpack
It’s been waiting patiently for me to
settle down,
and it’s not nearly full
But it’s the heart rending chore of unpacking yourself
To finally discover what you’ve got hidden away
In the grander scheme of things
You should know I’m right
Because in the grader scheme of things
today really matters least of all
Taking myself out a piece at a time
No closet to share
So I can now see it clearly
Out I will go and leave my suitcase behind
I’ll pick up new things
Beautiful things
Curiosities and creations
And come back to throw out the old
The ugly
The unnecessary
The grim
The sloppy
I’ll come home to myself
To repack for the one that’s got the space for it
In the grander scheme of things
we know we’re both right
Because in the grander scheme of things
today really matters least of all
It’s the moment that starts you
But the journey is what brings you home
Second
Wanting you so bad
I couldn’t see what I needed
Trying to rebuild a house that’s still ablaze
Trying to put it out with a teaspoon
one splash at a time
There was still the bigger fury
had I just let it go
could’ve already been building anew
but walking through the flames…
it was a path through something beautiful
the problem with not being afraid of the fire
is that the burns are inevitably gonna reach too far down
Not the skin grafting type
I’ve gotta heal on my own
just put the bandaids away
I appreciate the concern
I don’t need medication
I need fresh air and a better soul
from the inside out is where I’ll heal
a healthy scar will remain to add to the roadmap of my skin
Never start out with half a dwelling
and an addition isn’t gonna work for me
just get rid of the ashes
and dig down deep
I can’t change the place
because the foundation is too sound
gotta stop building apartments
no duplex for me
just a big room for my mind
to run free
to rest
to start every moment from the fresh
from the clean
Please come and visit
Whenever you feel inclined
Because the want is there,
but the need is stronger
I’ll be living here for a while
and later it will be my summer home
to run free
to rest
to start every moment from the fresh
from the clean
from the true
from the honest
from me.
Third
A chameleon’s greatest talent…
useless…
when there’s nothing to hide in
nothing to become
what if my color is transparent?
and I really have nothing unless it’s in front of someone else’s backdrop?
A new animal?
am I more than one?
my true color has made appearances,
but sometimes I don’t know exactly when
from the outside
they say they’ve seen my genuine hue
but it was with you…
So I leap from the tree
with no clue where to land
Give this lizard mind it’s wings
to hover in the atmosphere
put me in space
my color will become the sun
and I’ll have no shade at all
just a glow
just pure warmth
to keep the rest of me alive
and to share when I’ve had what I need
You need warmth for the winter
and I’ll have plenty to spare
just give me a lean in
I don’t ask for much in return
and you’ll feel me with you.
Some of us don’t have our own
and are meant for other things
I’m in the species of ambiguity
and why should it be bad?
I’ll have a purpose
useful in so many ways
unending energy is what God gave that star
renewing itself with every moment it gives
And that’s what I’ll pray to be given to me
Instead of the chameleon
I’m becoming something else
I’m happily undefined
similar to something you’ve seen
close to something you’ve felt
perhaps still something you want
it’ll always be something you need
be at peace with my strength
and when I start to fade…
just remind me…
just
remind
me.
Filed under poetry and prose
a quick note about NOT having the internet at your home…and having to wait to get to a computer to write any posts…which then turns into an essay about blogs, connections, and emotions….
knowing i have this blog has created an even more detailed catalog of the thoughts that occur…it causes me to dissect and analyze even FURTHER than i normally do – knowing it could be fuel for the launch of another vehicle of thought. writing a blog is much like sending unmanned probes through outer space…will it hit anything? will it make a difference? will anyone else know it’s there? and really…what counts, what matters in all of that is that it’s launched…that the possibility is there. we reach for discovery and prove our merit when we are brave enough to send something “out there” – whether the far reaches of space, or the tangled web of cyberspace. this tangled web is filled with so much thought, so much emotion. it is a dumping ground of angst and sorrow, and a glorious proving ground for love and truth. i have no idea how small this world will get. every day there are more ways to connect, and, thusly, more ways to make a point by disconnecting. from twitter to yahoo im…there’s always a way to make a statement. individuals end up being a piece of EVERYTHING you do. you carry them with you on your phone, they greet you when you sit down to your computer. and, when you want them out of your life – it almost becomes some kind of cutting ritual. your heart bleeds for those you cut out due to crushed friendships, loves, dreams, etc. it takes so much effort, and the effect lasts…for who knows how long. (obviously, my life and those lives surrounding me have been in the business of cutting relationships lately…thusly the musings…)
so, somehow i’ve gone from the idea of outer space and probes (i really don’t like that word…but satellite isn’t really accurate…*sigh*) to a very emotional look into the connections we form through an entire universe built on technology.
before we could “check up” on one another…did everyone have to trust one another more? did we have to make the time we spent together more meaningful? was there less “taking for granted”? was there more understanding? imagine only being able to talk to those you care about by phone, by letter, or in person..or…hell…let’s go back further – just letters and face-to-face. how would you treat others in your life? would you tell them more? would you tell them less? would you trust them more? i wonder if that world was based less on inference…on analyzing secret messages in statuses and twitters…on wondering what blog was about whom – and more on exactly what was said, and what actions they took.
was it truly a world of patience and trust?
i guess this is what i send out into cyberspace tonight…these musings, these questions, this mood of wondering at what we’ve become.
Filed under random moods
“You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both elbow and chin? Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?
“And IF you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.”
“You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race – down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace, and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, i fear, toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place…”
- Oh The Places You’ll Go – by the illustrious Dr. Seuss
So, yes…i find myself in a bit of a useless place. The mood of today started last night…despite the chaos of a kitchen on a saturday night – it still hit me…through the sound of the ticket machine, sizzling olive oil, “all-day” calls, and the constant clang of dishes being washed and thrown about like so much…whatever that should be compared to. i could not focus. i was elsewhere – adrift in the sea of possibilities, floating on a raft made of indecision, with the ghosts of my past for breeze. NOT a pleasant or scenic place.
i feel i know what i need to do for my health – my emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical health…but it is going to require a very. long. process. i am very very bad at this kind of process. once i have a path – i buy the shoes, pack the snacks, forget the map, and i’m off. this new path requires thought and deliberate action…it requires me to be extremely responsible with my time, my money, my self. the third thing is what usually presents most of the problems.
what set me on this path was a realization that i have been in “The Waiting Place” for quite some time…whether it be waiting due to relationships, friendships, family, obligations, etc… my decisions are usually made at a break-neck pace…but…the follow-through isn’t so quick. i live in the world of “just in case”. i am here “just in case” you change your mind. “just in case” you need me. “just in case” i need you. “just in case”….you find a just in case. deciding to stop this is a good thing…but, it’s going to require quite a lot of bravery. i have had to be brave before…and i can do it again…it also requires that i sacrifice quite a lot…and make sure i don’t keep anyone ELSE in the waiting place.
i am giving up on my current dream of owning my own restaurant…just for now. it could actually be a reality in about a year…maybe two – if i ignored the nagging voice that gets louder by the day…hell…by the hour…that i am not strong enough yet – that i have not dealt with my past, that i have not given myself a chance to heal from many many things, that i have not just stood still…and listened.
i am accepting my limitations (this phrase was brought up by a dear friend of mine today…and he’s right…that is indeed what i’m doing). i am not accustom to dealing with that. i leap i fly i soar…and i have horrific crashes. if icarus had a sister….you’d be readin’ her blog right now. so…i am going to take a bit of a step back in order to leap forward again. there is so much thought provoked by this day…i cannot write it all at once…but, it’s a snapshot, at least…
if you take anything away from this – be careful of the waiting place, but, if you find yourself there – use the time to decide which train you’re taking out of that station. and…if you’re keeping someone else there – buy them a ticket.
Filed under beginnings of adventure
it happened. as much as i sometimes doubted that the earth would continue it’s orbit long enough to get me here…it did. my new year began a few days ago, on March 21st. i turned 25 and spring arrived…finally. every winter a fear grips me as i look at the bare trees, the bare ground. it’s a completely ridiculous fear, but yet, there it is, every year. i am always afraid that maybe this is the way the world around me will stay…forever – that the trees will not bloom, the grass will not appear, the warmth will not return. there is a simple lesson in that, of course. nature cannot be stopped…neither can human nature. we transform, we grow, we change, we…survive. no matter how terrible it seems, we can emerge. unfortunately, unlike nature, some of us choose to actually have a choice in the matter. from the most extreme choice of suicide to the other more subtle choice to stay frozen in an old life, in a rut…we can stop our seasons. we can halt our spring in it’s tracks. upheaval is the name of the game. it’s not always pleasant…but it is glorious in the end.
so, i have begun. i welcome my spring with open arms and a glad heart. though there has been much that has happened to dampen my spirits, my inner nature eventually takes over and pushes me forward…or up…through the soil, dirt, and leaves that life tends to pile on us over time. i doubt i will go into much detail in this little blog (who needs that, right?), but, suffice to say i have undergone some trials having to do with love, friendship, and the loss of it. i am sure there will be musings on the subject, maybe a diatribe or two…haven’t quite decided. there have also been incredible gains…i have reconnected with fabulous old friends, made some spectacular new ones and my “sisterhood” is flourishing (something i once thought was unnecessary…yes…i was one of “those girls”).
that’s a short update…my life is quite busy in the culinary and restaurant world…but, within my new year (and through a short, but much needed vacation to chicago) i have found renewed energy…and….will hopefully be able to write more ramblings.
so, everyone has said their “happy new year’s”, everyone has partied themselves into oblivion, or, at least had a few drinks and pretended to be ecstatically happy to be starting another year “fresh”. and, i am sure there are those that sat alone, contemplating, wishing they had a different life all together. well, i partied a bit…went slightly insane, but, this is not a happy new year. i am not ready to start another orbit. i tried to be sincere in wishing others a fresh start…and, i did mean it. but, there are more out there that think like me than i am aware, i believe. who says when our psychological new year is supposed to begin? i am not allowing roman, greek, asian, pagan, or anyone else dictate when i should start my new year – my rebirth. i am setting a goal for spring…for my birthday, in fact – March 21st (which, umm…IS the start of the astrological calendar…but, that’s not why i’m choosing it – so, it doesn’t void the previous rant.) winter is still a time to go internal…to allow our true selves (hopefully) to regrow wings… every winter seems to be a cocoon for me, this winter is no different. i absolutley cannot be starting over again in the state that i am in… bedraggled yet again by a certain amount of chaos i have caused: physical encounters of one level or another with…(counting….)5 different guys within about 3 weeks, all of them in one kind of “interesting” level of relationship or another (read: some with girlfriends, some getting over ex girlfriends, some that i will never see again most likely, and none really wanting ME.) hurting yet another terribly, and still crying at least every WEEK over someone i should not be missing at all. all the while, allowing my inner imp to run wild with flirtatious energy and warm welcoming eyes. i am finally starting to get a grip on my house…but, it is still a mess. my bills are still over my head, and i worry for my ability to pay my rent. i have the possiblility of a room mate…but it isn’t concrete yet. spiritually i am not digging into my heart and soul like i should, i am a bit lost, to say the least. physically, i still have 16 or so lbs to lose. mentally…well…yeah…i have a ways to go. (please see above.) also, i have not been writing so many of the things that are stuffed up in my head. i need to talk about my adventures in the restaurant world…the foray into foodstuffs. i need to spill ideas…and reconnect with goals. my “years” seem to be about 3 months long…and i hope to God (one being i know i still believe in) that March 21st will be the beginning of a new year…however long it will be.
Went to sleep last night under the hypnosis of disorientation, confusion, anger, loneliness. In the midst of the place that dwells behind your dreams, the place that allows answers to surface while you deal with the surreality that is your subconscious (if you’re me…at least), i emerged victorious. Slightly bruised and broken – but victorious, nonetheless.
This morning i woke up to the first day of a new chapter. I have chosen this place to record the newest adventure (with a bit of encouragement from others). Of course, i would not be here if it weren’t for the previous chapter…or chapters. A short (read: but still ridiculously wordy) re-cap of what has brought me to this day is in order:
(a message to those that are reading this who recognize themselves in this little story: whether your effect was positive or negative…thank you.)
I came from the lackluster corporate world to the land of the creative agency. An opportunity dropped into my lap (the goddess of serendipity does seem to follow my life quite closely) by way of being “discovered” in a conversation (thank you.).
I walked in the door while being in a relationship that was serious enough to have me almost engaged, living in a perfect little “white picket fence” house in the county, seeking a new circle of friends (due to past events, such as divorce, most of mine were scattered), hungry for a challenge, in need of change – and i found a cause. I rallied to the company and what i perceived it wanted to be, what it wanted to accomplish. My allegiance obtained – i allowed it to take me over for a while.
During this time i was told that I was strong and honest, and weak and dishonest. I was told my personality was a beautiful thing and that my smile was addicting, and that I was difficult to be friends with and wasn’t worth the time. I was told my confidence was admirable, and that I was obviously unhappy with who I was. I discovered precious treasure in the form of new friends that sustained and nurtured me (and also sustain and nurture to this very moment, and i hope beyond.) - and actually trusted a few, for the first time, and I discovered landmines that blew me to bits when I trusted the wrong people and my issues were spilled on the floor for others to drag their muddy shoes through. I found a place called Logicland that became a shelter, a trusted hiding place. I uncovered the fact that I have been alone for most of my life, even through friendships and relationships, and realized that there were just a very small handful of people on the planet that I did not feel alone with. I was misunderstood and rallied around; I had contempt thrown at me and love showered down upon me.
The learning curve was immense, for I was rebuilding my life, my career, my soul…all in one place. You cannot show what you have to give when you are not whole, and I wanted to so desperately.
Visiting the non-abstract for a moment, I will mention that during this time I suffered a severe case of burnout, the relationship imploded, i moved into a new place alone – for the first time, and the company’s path diverged from my own (in professional terms), and I discovered my true passions.
I walked out the door alone, with a deliberate stride that told me it knew where it was going (though i was less than sure at the moment), knowing it was all worth it. I had learned enough for a mini-lifetime. The fact that the act of walking out the door came upon me suddenly made it more difficult than it would’ve been. But, in a way, perhaps it made it a little more honest, and a little less romanticised.
Yesterday was my last day…and here the re-cap ends.
Today I start out in pursuit of one of my dreams…and the new adventure begins.
